The Blog

1.5 years after surgery and I’m still losing. I went through a period where my horrible eating habits came back. After about 12 months, all the ‘restrictive’ feelings that helped me lose weight seemed to disappear and I could eat anything I wanted. So, I found that’s exactly what I was doing. that’s when I started stalling really really badly.

I’ve gone through quite a few life altering changes during this time. My husband was laid off, our relationship has suffered because of it. We’re both at fault with many things, but certain things can’t be ‘worked out’. Especially if you’ve tried to work them out for years before. Regardless, a lot of my fallback into bad eating habits coincided with these events. I would continue to eat after feeling full, I would eat horrible quick foods like fast food, pizza, and sodium loaded packaged foods. But now, over the past few weeks, I have found something inside me that doesn’t want all that trash. I stop eating at the first feeling of fullness and I have steadily lost 8 pounds in the last few weeks. I eat meals that I cook myself. They may not be the best of meals, but I cook them and know what’s in them. Being on an extremely tight budget takes a lot of options out of the picture, but I am now finding that even the poorest of people can do small things to try to eat right.

I started a new week this week. One without a burden over my head, and eggshells under my feet.

This week has been one of happiness, pride, and downright enjoyment. I’ve done some things that make me proud and I’ve done some things that impress others. My weight is still going down. I’m officially in the 250’s now. My first goal is to get down to 245. That’s 13 more pounds to go. Hopefully I’ll be there by the end of next week. And if not, then it’ll just take longer. I’m really not going to stress about how much weight I’m losing. I was doing that for a while, comparing myself to other people who’ve had the same surgery around the same time I did. Some have lost more, and some have lost less. It really is a guessing game as to how each person is going to experience this.

I went to the gym at around 2:30pm today. I got on the recumbent bike at first, but then that started hurting my ass after about 6 minutes. I got off that and got on the treadmill. I punched in my weight and age and upped the incline to 3 and the speed to 2.5mph. I was off. I was listening to my ipod with Lady GaGa, Britney Spears, and Lily Allen all singing to me. I got pumped and burned almost 200 calories in 22 or 23 minutes. It felt great. I had time to take a nice shower afterwards, got dressed, and went back to work. I felt like one of those cool people who can take a work break and go have a great workout, and then just come back from work. I get a little self concious about how I look afterwards though. I get really really red in the face when I workout, and it stays like that for a good hour after I’m done working out. It takes me a while to cool down, definitetly. But, I’ve decided not to give a crap about that, because I just busted my ass at the gym. I might be red, but I’ve exercised and I feel great.

I got three books today from Amazon. Two cookbooks and the ever so recommended Weight Loss Surgery for Dummies. One cookbook is for low fat high protein meals for after weight loss surgery and the other one is strictly a tofu cookbook. I’ve really started liking adding tofu to my meals. I can handle it better than any other kind of meat and it’s so low in calories and breaks down so well that I can eat a nice portion of it, enough to feel satisfied, without that ’stuck’ feeling interrupting me and causing me to yack. I’m really loving all these changes I’m going through and I look forward to all the new ones I have yet to go through.

i started a new term in school on the 1st of March. I have to pass a CIW Site Designer test and also a Java programming test. I’ve already started studying for the CIW test and I’m finding the information rather interesting. It covers web design, how to do it, and how to do it effectively to get your desired point across. I can’t wait to learn more about it. Java programming has me a little intimidated,  but I’m not worried too much about it. Spend enough time studying and I will pass it. If I have the same problems that I had last term, then Java might be the end of me.

I’ve been really tired today. Going to go to sleep now.. Another good day tomorrow..

I got a call from the clinic both Saturday and Sunday. They needed to reschedule my surgeon follow up. Dr. Tom is taking an indefinite leave of absence. Why? who knows.. It ain’t my business. So, I’m going to be seeing another surgeon regarding my follow up stuff. It’ll be a short meeting. Mainly they’ll just ask how I’ve been feeling, how my wounds are healing, and if I had any concerns or question. Good, great, and nope.

I just realized that I’ve been sitting and whining the past few days that I’ve only lost 2 pounds this month. This, is a crock if shit. I just checked my records and I have actually dropped 10 pounds this month. On my February 2nd post, I was at 272. I can subtract, so my claim to have only dropped 2 pounds is me fixating myself on something negative. Even to the point of fixating on a negative that didn’t really exist.

I’ve been having the crappiest time with a whole bunch of stuff recently. School, work, home, weight loss. You name it, it’s got me down.

I’ve been studying for the last month for this Network+ CompTIA exam. I finally passed it yesterday. I failed it on Friday morning. My term ended Saturday so I had to reschedule it for Saturday morning and bust my ass and ask some favors to get the results posted to my AAP. I passed the test with the exact score that is required to pass the test. And this was on the third try. I have no idea what made me think that I could work an experienced based degree program, on no experience. I have two CIW, another CompTIA, and a Sun Java test to pass yet. This is going to be a bitch. I have to LEARN all that crap and complete the cert tests on them. 

My weight loss has been practically shit since the 31st of January. I’ve lost 2 pounds in the whole month of February. This is one of many stalls but I can’t seem to break it. I’m going to start busting my ass at the gym during lunch and at home when I get back from work. I need to build muscle and just bust my ass. My body responds well to the busting of my ass exercises that I do. Walking on the treadmill isn’t going to do it enough for me I’ve realized. I used to love busting my ass working out after work every day. You go and get into a relationship and have kids and all the time for that stuff seems to dissappear. It doesn’t really, it apparently just wasn’t a big enough priority in my life for me to keep it in my schedule.

Tangent:  I hate bitchy people. I especially hate hypocrits who complain that someone is doing something, then they go on and do the exact same thing. Then, when you call them on it, you’re the bigole bitch. There is no reasoning or getting along with people like that. I also hate people who think that two people ‘having fun’ is one person having fun and the other person getting annoyed or hurt. I hate being annoyed. It turns me into a huge bitch. I hate people who do nothing but bitch about things that they just need to rise above. Racism, politics, economy. If you’re not doing something active to improve the situation, then shut up about it already. I also hate people who look down on me because I don’t think every conversation about politics is fun and exciting and important to get all emotionally invested in. People think this country is going socialist, and you know what, I think they have a point. But I’m tired of sitting and talking about it over and over again. I’m going to do what I need to do to be aware of the situation, do what I can to change it, then if I feel it’s necessary, vote for the people to make it right. If the majority of people vote for someone, then that’s the majority speaking. Regardless of who i vote for, I live in a country where the people decide who is in office and who is the president. I didn’t vote for Obama, but I’m not going to sit and insult everyone else who did. Majority rules and right now, what’s done is done. That’s how our great country was founded and unless I want to cry a river and run to Canada, then I need to deal with it.  The biggest question I have though, is exactly what can we do if the majority is blindingly letting this country fall under Socialist rule? Other than actively voting for who i think would make things right, what can I do? This is a question that soooo many people have, yet we have no answer. We can write to our state and local representatives, and most of the time, they listen to what their public has to say. But what if I see a runaway train coming, but no one else seems to notice? Can I really make a difference? Can I really do something to change the course of events. I’m scared for our country. No Socialist society has ever survived. Middle class is eliminated and we’re all waiting in line for bread and Soylent Green, dammit.

Socialism sucks ass. Socialism allows government dictate to me which car I want, where I can live, what food I can buy, what school my kids go to, my education, my healthcare, the condition of my street, taking care of my parents, where I can live, where I can go, who I can stand up against, who empowers me, who gets an asskicking, where I buy my gas, the temperature of my furnace, what I see on the Internet, where I work, how much I’m paid, the value of my degree, and the overall value of my life and the hard work I’ve put into it.  Socialism will have me buying the same car that “poor guy who couldn’t afford a car last year” gets to buy. I don’t want that shit. If I can afford a $400 a month car payment, then give me my fucking nice car!  My family isn’t poor, we’re far from it. But there are poor families who are wanting to be treated as if they aren’t. I just don’t get that.  Rise above people, don’t bring others down. And don’t be a bitch about it when you can’t do it for yourself.

I miss my cute little blog. It’s been a while and there is so much to share. I’m actually down a few pounds. I saw the nutritionist on Thursday and she said I’m doing great. I started working out in the gym where I work. I’ve been twice, walking for about 25 minutes at a 5% incline at 2.5 miles per hour. I could do more, but the issue is going back to the office looking like hell. I think I’m going to try going after work, but I’m loving the free time I’m getting after work while Charlie gets the kids.

I’m still trying to figure out different ways to get all my protein in. I ran out of my chocolate UNJury, like a big dope, so I tried to eat some of the vanilla and the chicken flavor. I was able to get down one of each, but that was it. Both of those make me want to vomit.  I have some sample packs of the chocolate that my nutritionist gave me, but they’re at work. At least I’ll have something for when I’m there tomorrow.

I’m trying to get some ideas about alternative protein sources. I’m having such a hard time with meat right now, it kinda makes me think that I should just find something else. I like tofu a lot and I know there are a ton of great recipes and different ways you can prepare tofu. I just have to figure out if I can handle eating it.

A friend of mine living in Columbus, OH is a vegetarian. Her and someone else I know are vegetarians because they don’t like meat, not because they’re on some endeavour to save the world from hunters and furcatchers.  I’m like them now, the taste and texture of meat make me ill. My stomach can’t handle any kind of meat unless it’s already ground up. Chili works well, and in fact, I can overeat chili. I can eat a whole cup of chili and feel no discomfort at all. I am all to aware of that when I get that for lunch. I purposely leave about 1/4 of it in the bowl and trash it so I won’t eat it.  

I had a family event this past Saturday and I was able to catch up with my sister-in-law’s husband who had RNY about two years ago. He’s dropped so much weight. He looks and feels like a different person. He’s able to do things he never would have dreamed of like hiking the Grand Canyon. Talking to him was inspiring to say the least. I realized, after speaking to him, that I hadn’t really set any goals for what I wanted to do after I lost my weight.  I have a reunion in May, which I know is going to be great. I’ll celebrate that for sure. I remember having a great experience in high school, but there were some times where my weight really caused me some embarassment and hurt feelings.  Old stuff, but it’s still something I think about. And going back there looking the way I will is going to be a good thing.

I get to spend the next few months being excited about the future years of my life, and I’m so happy about that. I really feel that this surgery was a great decision. I had no problems with the surgery and I’m progressing well. I have so much to look forward to.

ugh.. i’m so frustrated… the scale is back up two pounds… this is frustrating.

On another note, and a more serious one. For the past few days I’ve been getting dizzy and nauseus in the morning. Usually when I get up from a laying or sitting position.

Went to the doctor, they found nothing wrong, visually. My blood pressure was okay and my heart rate was fine.

So they took some blood and will check a bunch of stuff.

Waiting for that phone call.

UPDATE 2.22.09 - Dr found nothing remarkable about my bloodwork, and the dizziness hasn’t happened again since the day I went to the doctor. They prescribed me some motion sickness pills, which worked for the morning I went to the doctor. Not sure what’s going on there, but if it happens again, I’m going straight for the pills. I spoke with Steve, the nurse at the clinic’s office and he said that the dizziness is something that is experienced by many WLS patients. He said that it’s the body getting used to it’s new size. I guess that makes sense. Say you were running around a track with 40 gallon water bottles strapped to you, then all of a sudden they’re gone. I can imagine it would take me a minute to get my balance straightened out. The human body is an amazing thing. God created us in such a magnificent way.

Well, I stayed at 267. All day.

This could be the end of my stall. 

I will know tomorrow morning.

Well, yesterday, I stepped on the scale and it had finally moved. It’s done this before and then moved back up, so I didn’t log it or really pay any attention to it.

Until..

I stepped on it again this morning, and it had moved some more!

Could it be? Could it be that I’m losing again? Yay!

I thought I had broken my stall as of yesterday, but nope, I was back to the same weight I have been since exactly one month after my surgery. 272 pounds and holding.

People are telling me to stop checking the scale everyday, even telling me to only weight myself every month. But this is all still so new to me, the scale is like a new toy. When I look at it, during the first month anyway, I couldn’t believe how fast it was dropping. Now, it just pisses me off and I kick the stupid thing.

I need to get in more protein and I need to get in more water and I need to exercise more. I need to stop making excuses for not doing it.

I will become a machine.