The reality of my situation…
I weigh 304 pounds as of this morning, December 9, 2008.
I have never weighed this much. I feel like the inside of my body is weighing me down. My back and chest are in constant pain from Gall Stones. I was supposed to have my gallbladder removed months ago but I never went back. I’m hoping they will be able to remove it when they perform the Gastric Bypass.
I wear a size 3X in pants and in shirts. My shirts I order from a catalog because I can’t find shirts long enough to cover my huge hanging stomach. My pants I get from Wal-Mart. They’ve apparently started designing pants that cater to people with huge hanging stomachs. I have dark spots on the sides of my face where the fat has bulged out from my cheeks. I have a very large double chin. My face is swollen to the point of not looking like my face anymore.
The Pain. I am in constant pain and discomfort. The pain is a symptom of my gallbladder issues and the discomfort is from weighing over 300 pounds. I can’t sit comfortably unless I am leaning backward or forward with my legs sprawled out. Needless to say I never wear my skirts anymore. I used to love wearing my long skirts. I felt so pretty. Not anymore though. I wear the same kind of pants and rotate among 6 different shirts. The same thing day after day. I wear comfortable shoes, and they are rather nice looking, but of course I don’t wear heels because my back would buckle. Flats for me. Always. My pants are pulled up above my waste because that’s the only place where they will actually stay up. Any lower and I have to constantly fight with keeping them up above my huge hanging belly fat. I see guys that wear their pants underneath their apron of huge hanging belly fat and I don’t understand why that seems more comfortable to them. I can’t sleep anymore. I toss and turn all night because I can’t breathe or because my back and stomach are killing me. If I lie on my back, I feel pressure under my chest and also start snoaring unbelievably loud. I snore anyway though. It doens’t matter which position I sleep in. I am a belly sleeper, but because my stomach is so big, it’s pushing my lower back into the air, causing my back to arch which gives me insanely painful muscle cramps in my sides and when I wake up I feel like someone has jabbed an ice-pick under my ribs.
I am lazy. I am always tired and therefore don’t do anything around the house. I used to keep a clean house. I used to not have clutter everywhere and I used to like to keep the bathrooms and floors clean. I used to not get out of breath running the vacuum cleaner and I used to pick things up off the floor if I stepped on or tripped over something. My children are learning horrible habits from me right now.
My marriage is in shambles. We aren’t intimate. We aren’t active. We look at each other with sadness. He looks at me and I feel like he’s given up. I look at him and I feel like we could be so much happier. It’s so simple to make him happy, but something inside me is sad and depressed. I have made him sad and depressed in some ways. I am hurt though. And I feel like I will be hurt again. I’ve gone through a lot of in my relationship with my husband. I feel like I stood by him through a lot of painful and hurtful times. I feel like I’ve lost myself. I feel like we could be so much happier if I didn’t feel so horrible about myself. I can see how it’s not so fair for me to neglect him just because I feel that way.
Work. I’m good at what I do. I’m smart. I’m clever. And I’m a leader. But people don’t see that in me. They see a smart, clever clown who is good to make people laugh and bring up an interesting point now and then. My size is distracting and unprofessional. Many underestimate the strengths of fat people. I do, and I’m fat.
Self Image. I feel like I would be beautiful if I didn’t have so much weight hiding me. I am pretty and funny and attractive and popular. I am not able to be the person I know I am.
These are facts that I have lived with for a very long time. These things depress me, but they don’t make me hate myself. I love myself. I love myself enough to know that my appearance is going to change and that the people around me are going to change the way they look at me. I am so looking forward to when that happens. But when it does, I’m also going to remember that I’m just me. I’m the same me that was here before and I’ll be the same me that was here afterwards. I have habits that need to change, and this surgery isn’t going to change them for me. I have a mind that needs to be trained, and this surgery is going to help me with that. As I shrink, I will become more and more motivated to take advantage of my lost size. Working out, playing with my children, being active and intimate with my husband. All these things are important to me. All of these things are the reason I’m about to go through this adventure with my body. Through the good times and bad, I will remain focused on the new things that I am able to do, and let go of the things that no longer support a healthier me.
I want to call the doctor so badly right now. I think they’d yell at me though.
Tags: I already know the answer, it could be worse, let's talk about love