I just realized that I’ve been sitting and whining the past few days that I’ve only lost 2 pounds this month. This, is a crock if shit. I just checked my records and I have actually dropped 10 pounds this month. On my February 2nd post, I was at 272. I can subtract, so my claim to have only dropped 2 pounds is me fixating myself on something negative. Even to the point of fixating on a negative that didn’t really exist.
I’ve been having the crappiest time with a whole bunch of stuff recently. School, work, home, weight loss. You name it, it’s got me down.
I’ve been studying for the last month for this Network+ CompTIA exam. I finally passed it yesterday. I failed it on Friday morning. My term ended Saturday so I had to reschedule it for Saturday morning and bust my ass and ask some favors to get the results posted to my AAP. I passed the test with the exact score that is required to pass the test. And this was on the third try. I have no idea what made me think that I could work an experienced based degree program, on no experience. I have two CIW, another CompTIA, and a Sun Java test to pass yet. This is going to be a bitch. I have to LEARN all that crap and complete the cert tests on them.
My weight loss has been practically shit since the 31st of January. I’ve lost 2 pounds in the whole month of February. This is one of many stalls but I can’t seem to break it. I’m going to start busting my ass at the gym during lunch and at home when I get back from work. I need to build muscle and just bust my ass. My body responds well to the busting of my ass exercises that I do. Walking on the treadmill isn’t going to do it enough for me I’ve realized. I used to love busting my ass working out after work every day. You go and get into a relationship and have kids and all the time for that stuff seems to dissappear. It doesn’t really, it apparently just wasn’t a big enough priority in my life for me to keep it in my schedule.
Tangent: I hate bitchy people. I especially hate hypocrits who complain that someone is doing something, then they go on and do the exact same thing. Then, when you call them on it, you’re the bigole bitch. There is no reasoning or getting along with people like that. I also hate people who think that two people ‘having fun’ is one person having fun and the other person getting annoyed or hurt. I hate being annoyed. It turns me into a huge bitch. I hate people who do nothing but bitch about things that they just need to rise above. Racism, politics, economy. If you’re not doing something active to improve the situation, then shut up about it already. I also hate people who look down on me because I don’t think every conversation about politics is fun and exciting and important to get all emotionally invested in. People think this country is going socialist, and you know what, I think they have a point. But I’m tired of sitting and talking about it over and over again. I’m going to do what I need to do to be aware of the situation, do what I can to change it, then if I feel it’s necessary, vote for the people to make it right. If the majority of people vote for someone, then that’s the majority speaking. Regardless of who i vote for, I live in a country where the people decide who is in office and who is the president. I didn’t vote for Obama, but I’m not going to sit and insult everyone else who did. Majority rules and right now, what’s done is done. That’s how our great country was founded and unless I want to cry a river and run to Canada, then I need to deal with it. The biggest question I have though, is exactly what can we do if the majority is blindingly letting this country fall under Socialist rule? Other than actively voting for who i think would make things right, what can I do? This is a question that soooo many people have, yet we have no answer. We can write to our state and local representatives, and most of the time, they listen to what their public has to say. But what if I see a runaway train coming, but no one else seems to notice? Can I really make a difference? Can I really do something to change the course of events. I’m scared for our country. No Socialist society has ever survived. Middle class is eliminated and we’re all waiting in line for bread and Soylent Green, dammit.
Socialism sucks ass. Socialism allows government dictate to me which car I want, where I can live, what food I can buy, what school my kids go to, my education, my healthcare, the condition of my street, taking care of my parents, where I can live, where I can go, who I can stand up against, who empowers me, who gets an asskicking, where I buy my gas, the temperature of my furnace, what I see on the Internet, where I work, how much I’m paid, the value of my degree, and the overall value of my life and the hard work I’ve put into it. Socialism will have me buying the same car that “poor guy who couldn’t afford a car last year” gets to buy. I don’t want that shit. If I can afford a $400 a month car payment, then give me my fucking nice car! My family isn’t poor, we’re far from it. But there are poor families who are wanting to be treated as if they aren’t. I just don’t get that. Rise above people, don’t bring others down. And don’t be a bitch about it when you can’t do it for yourself.
I thought I had broken my stall as of yesterday, but nope, I was back to the same weight I have been since exactly one month after my surgery. 272 pounds and holding.
People are telling me to stop checking the scale everyday, even telling me to only weight myself every month. But this is all still so new to me, the scale is like a new toy. When I look at it, during the first month anyway, I couldn’t believe how fast it was dropping. Now, it just pisses me off and I kick the stupid thing.
I need to get in more protein and I need to get in more water and I need to exercise more. I need to stop making excuses for not doing it.
I will become a machine.
if i ate more protein, i’d lose more weight.
if i drank more water, i’d lose more weight.
if i exercised more, i’d lose more weight.
am i still my own worst enemy?
So, I took it easy last night. I hardly ate anything and ended up going to bed at about 9pm. It was nice, but Jessie kept waking up every hour with some kind of problem. I feel bad when I get mad at her for that, but she’s waking up and crying for no reason. She just wants me to take her into the bed with me and hold her. I ended up doing that at about 3am, but she wouldn’t even fall asleep then. I think she just wasn’t tired. After about an hour though she was knocked out. I was able to put her back in her crib.
I feel pretty good today. I haven’t eaten as much protein as I should have but that’s mainly because the only thing I have to mix my Unjury with here at work is water. And that stuff tastes like crap when it’s mixed with water. At home I have ice and my blender and some instant coffee that I throw into it. For lunch today I had some chicken noodle soup. It went down really well. I ate a whole 6 ounce cup of it, but it was mostly broth. I guess eating soup is like eating and drinking at the same time, which is something the clinic really doesn’t recommend. Mainly because it’s an easy way to cheat. If you eat something, and then wash it down, you’re prolonging the ‘oh my god i’m so full I could yack’ feeling. I definitely know that feeling and I’m learning to listen to it. The first time it talks to me.
I think I realized what made me ill the other night. It was the cheese I was eating, as well as the turkey cold cuts. It was all mashed up and pureed, but something about both of them really hit me wrong. Lesson learned. I’ve been drinking a lot of water today. I brought some cottage cheese with me to work, which turns out to be a nice snack. I wish I could eat crackers though. I found out yesterday at lunch that those don’t agree with me either. I puked those up.
I’ve also found that really cold beverages hurt my tummy a little bit. I’ve been doing well with room temperature water and Crystal Lite mix.
It’s been a few days since I’ve written, so I’ll catch you up on what’s been going on.
I’ve been doing pretty well with the weight loss. Dr. Sonnanstine elevated me to Phase 4 of the Post-Op diet, which is pureed foods. I stay on that for a week, then move onto soft foods. That means pretty much anything I want as long as it’s soft and unabrasive to my tender little tiny stomach pouch. I even pureed some roast and potatos and carrots that Charlie cooked up for me and put it on some grits. It tasted wonderful.
Last night and this morning, I had my first experience with some difficult food. Last night, at around 10pm, I ate about 3 ounces of turkey with some soft Laughing Cow cheese. It tasted great, but at about 5am this morning, I woke up with this painful lump in my chest and abdomen. When i pressed on my belly it would hurt. I thought it was gas but it was just constant, not intermittent like normal gas pain is. I thought that getting up and walking around would get rid of it, but I found that the more I walked around, the more it hurt. Calling off work wasn’t an option so I got in the shower and did a little stretching. I remember when I used to do yoga, all of the twisting poses really helped with digestion and moving waste through your system. I did some side twists and could definitely feel something lodged in there. I was able to drink water without a problem so that indicated that I did not have a stricture, something I’ve heard many stories about.
A stricture is there the opening from the stomach, into the large intestine, becomes swolen to the point of closure sometimes. Some people can’t keep anything down, even water, without puking it back up. I, luckily, was able to keep water down, but it seemed that whenever I took a sip, it would cause me back pain, right in the middle of my shoulder blades.
So, I got to work this morning okay and continued to drink water, slowly, to see if whatever was in there would eventually disslodge itself. No joy. After about two hours, and after reading about 20 different stories about having to have outpatient surgery to fix a stricture, I called the clinic and spoke to Steve, the nurse. I explained to him the events over the morning and previous evning and he immediately picked up on the turkey part. He said that what I have it probably a little bit of a blockage. He said that cold cuts give a lot of people problems after they have surgery. I think my problem was the turkey and the fact that it probably was a little too dry. Lesson learned. Steve told me to drink liquids and also test myself. I heated up some really runny oatmeal and that seems to be going down fine. This is a good sign.
I’m still rather sleepy and trying hard to get all my protein in. Exercising needs to start like, yesterday, because until I’m 30 days out, the blood clots can show themselves..
peace, love, and an altogether biiiiig hug!
I’m wondering if I’ll ever get to take a big bite out of anything ever again.
I’m really looking for things to eat right but just realized that I’m still on stage 3 of my post-op diet, which means, I just can’t eat what I’m not supposed to eat. Easy enough! I think I’m going to go to the bookstore to find some recipe books. There has to be some kind of collection of recipes for meals that are good for puree’ing. I just found one that would put to use the less-used vanilla flavor of my Unjury protein powder. Mix it with some sugar-free Tang and you have a dreamsicle. That sounds pretty nice.
Liquid diet until the 14th. That’s when I’m upgraded to the pureed diet. Fun times. I get to eat like a geriatric patient. I can finally eat that pork roast and potatoes, all pureed up, into a soup. It just isn’t the same I don’t think.
There was a reason I never talked about how great it was not feeling hungry. For the past 5 days, I’ve been having a pretty easy time dealing with seeing, smelling, and thinking about all the foods that I used to eat. Big gulping bites of savory or sweet, in whatever form it may be, didn’t really seem to be a challenge.
Well, as I correctly assumed, that was a honeymoon experience, and it is now over.
My husband baked a pork roast today, and I wanted nothing more than to rip a piece of that succulent meat away from it and bite down and taste the salty, smokey, juicy flavor of it.
Then I remembered that I would die if I did. I have physical restrictions now that give me a stronger will-power. The choice to ‘break the diet’ isn’t there for me anymore. So, is will-power even a factor? Probably not. But the fact is, is if I was on some regular diet, and had an encounter with a beautiful pork roast like that, the pork roast would be no more.
I am now realizing that I have a very difficult road ahead of me. And this surgery is now showing me the tool that it is.
I’ve been drinking nothing but liquids, and nothing but liquids mean nothing but liquids. I figure now that the first 8-10 pounds you lose is water weight. That means I need to drink more and more water. I’m supposed to be up to 64 ounces of liquids, not including the liquified meals, so I stay hydrated. It all makes sense. I just need to do it.
I’ve been feeling like crap all day. I do not want to be outside the house in this state of affairs. The comfort of my own bathroom is all I want when the urge arises. This sucks though. Charlie and I were supposed to go to Sam Ash today, but he got a late shower and they close at 6pm on Sundays. I guess it’s for the better though. I wasn’t feeling well anyway.
I’ve lost 5 pounds since Wednesday morning. Kinda funny.
I’m not even a factor when it comes to ‘what’s for dinner’ anymore. Fine with me.
I have to go to the bathroom again. I’m getting tired of it. Thank God I’m at home.
I see a difference in my face. 5 pounds of water might come from your face.
I don’t feel tired. This is surprising as I haven’t eaten anything for 4 days.
I have a lot of dry-mouth. Another indication that I need to hydrate. Gimme my water.
I went to the hospital this morning for the pre-op testing. I filled out some paperwork, asked some questions, and then they took about 2 quarts of blood from me. It was fun.
On the way home, I called my husband to update him on what happened there. I was expecting him to be silent with the same reluctance to talk about anything involving the surgery, but it was different this time. I made the joke about 2 quarts of blood and he chuckled about it. I think he likes it when I keep him updated on every single aspect of this. It’s still going to happen very very soon, and there isn’t enough time for him to get completely into it, but everything helps, and not arguing with him about how wrong he is to react the way he knows how to, is helping.
My in-laws think I am going to the hospital to have my gall bladder taken out. That’s true, but they don’t know that I’m going to come out of surgery and stay a night in the ICU with drainage bags coming out of my stomach. I won’t be eating anything for many weeks. The surgery is on a Wednesday so that morning I’ll drop the kids off there, as usual, and then Charlie and I will go to the hospital. The surgery is going to take about three hours. Afterwards I’m going to be in recovery for a while and then I’ll be spending the night in the ICU. It’s a standard precaution they take because of the type of surgery it is. If something bad happens, it usually happens very quickly and a quick response is what is needed. Staying in the ICU would provide the quickest response time. Visitation will end at 8pm. If I’m allowed to get up and walk around, I’ll try to walk around and visit some others who will be having the same procedure that day. It will be New Years Eve and Charlie won’t be with me. I’m a little sad about that but there’s nothing I can do about that. I’ll stay there all day on Thursday, walking around, and drinking an ounce of water every hour. I’ll be able to shower and all that stuff too. I’ll be put in a private room for Friday so Charlie and the kids and his parents can come visit whenever they want to. I’ll spend Thursday night at the hospital and then, depending on how I feel, I can leave on Friday.
When I get home, I’ll have to be very careful about the kids jumping on me. They are both so playful. The only restriction that I will have is to take care of the incision wounds and no heavy lifting. I’ll keep myself busy with cleaning the house and straightening up… as long as there is no heavy lifting.
I’m getting butterflies in my tummy.