I just realized that I’ve been sitting and whining the past few days that I’ve only lost 2 pounds this month. This, is a crock if shit. I just checked my records and I have actually dropped 10 pounds this month. On my February 2nd post, I was at 272. I can subtract, so my claim to have only dropped 2 pounds is me fixating myself on something negative. Even to the point of fixating on a negative that didn’t really exist.
I tried to go to work this morning. What a complete joke. By the time I decided that I was going to try, I was in so much pain my eyes were turning into fire and I was yelling at everyone around me. Hmmm.. Maybe not a good time to go to work.
I’ve taken the rest of the week off.
The pain has decreased again today, as it always does. It’s always a little less than the previous day, but agony is agony. When I get down to what I could call major pain and discomfort, I’ll think about lowering the flags and laying off the meds and going back to work.
I drank some of the Isopure drink today. It has 40 grams of protien in one bottle. It has a wierd taste and it leaves this disgustin film on your mouth. I mixed it with Crystal Lite and got rid of the film. So now, it only tastes like shit. I can handle that.
I haven’t eaten any real food all day. I’m just not interested in it. the doc told me that as long as I get my protein requirements in and take my multivitamin, I’ll be okay. I’ll probably mash up some soup later on. That will taste good for sure.
Good god what a horrible fucking day. At least it wasn’t raining.
I’m supposed to go back to work tomorrow. A smart person would not.
I am sick and tired of chopping pain killers. It makes them take effect faster, but they taste horrible going down. And I have to have this bag of tools with me all the time so I can take them. The pills, a pill cutter, a pill chopper, something to stir with. I need a fanny pack. My stir stick is a PSP stylus. I get innovative when I’m lacking options.
My kid won’t go to sleep. I need to go to sleep. Charlie’s watching Food Network again. It’s a nice channel. He gets interesting cooking ideas from there. But that doesn’t make my kid fall asleep any faster.
I have horrible gas paines, that are going up through my back. I bought some GasX strips. I just took one. Maybe the shooting back pain will end soon. My booboos are healing. There’s nothing like shooting nerve pain to let you know they’re back in action.
I should be sipping something with protein in it. Carnation Instant Breakfast. Easy. Tasty. Mission Accomplished.
Just checked my Facebook page for anything that has anything to do with me. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I can’t believe all the people I’ve gotten back in touch with recently. I wish I didn’t live in the midwest. No one else lives in the midwest. Why the fuck do I?
Aahhh.. Vicodin kicking in. The shearing pain through the left side of my abdominal cavity is now a 7 instead of a 10. Using hospital scale here, seems to represent rather well when people ask me how much pain I’m in. Sometimes I just answer them by drooling and crying hysterically, but that was before the 1-10 scale was used.
The kid still does not sleep.
I’ve been drinking nothing but liquids, and nothing but liquids mean nothing but liquids. I figure now that the first 8-10 pounds you lose is water weight. That means I need to drink more and more water. I’m supposed to be up to 64 ounces of liquids, not including the liquified meals, so I stay hydrated. It all makes sense. I just need to do it.
I’ve been feeling like crap all day. I do not want to be outside the house in this state of affairs. The comfort of my own bathroom is all I want when the urge arises. This sucks though. Charlie and I were supposed to go to Sam Ash today, but he got a late shower and they close at 6pm on Sundays. I guess it’s for the better though. I wasn’t feeling well anyway.
I’ve lost 5 pounds since Wednesday morning. Kinda funny.
I’m not even a factor when it comes to ‘what’s for dinner’ anymore. Fine with me.
I have to go to the bathroom again. I’m getting tired of it. Thank God I’m at home.
I see a difference in my face. 5 pounds of water might come from your face.
I don’t feel tired. This is surprising as I haven’t eaten anything for 4 days.
I have a lot of dry-mouth. Another indication that I need to hydrate. Gimme my water.
I weigh 304 pounds as of this morning, December 9, 2008.
I have never weighed this much. I feel like the inside of my body is weighing me down. My back and chest are in constant pain from Gall Stones. I was supposed to have my gallbladder removed months ago but I never went back. I’m hoping they will be able to remove it when they perform the Gastric Bypass.
I wear a size 3X in pants and in shirts. My shirts I order from a catalog because I can’t find shirts long enough to cover my huge hanging stomach. My pants I get from Wal-Mart. They’ve apparently started designing pants that cater to people with huge hanging stomachs. I have dark spots on the sides of my face where the fat has bulged out from my cheeks. I have a very large double chin. My face is swollen to the point of not looking like my face anymore.
The Pain. I am in constant pain and discomfort. The pain is a symptom of my gallbladder issues and the discomfort is from weighing over 300 pounds. I can’t sit comfortably unless I am leaning backward or forward with my legs sprawled out. Needless to say I never wear my skirts anymore. I used to love wearing my long skirts. I felt so pretty. Not anymore though. I wear the same kind of pants and rotate among 6 different shirts. The same thing day after day. I wear comfortable shoes, and they are rather nice looking, but of course I don’t wear heels because my back would buckle. Flats for me. Always. My pants are pulled up above my waste because that’s the only place where they will actually stay up. Any lower and I have to constantly fight with keeping them up above my huge hanging belly fat. I see guys that wear their pants underneath their apron of huge hanging belly fat and I don’t understand why that seems more comfortable to them. I can’t sleep anymore. I toss and turn all night because I can’t breathe or because my back and stomach are killing me. If I lie on my back, I feel pressure under my chest and also start snoaring unbelievably loud. I snore anyway though. It doens’t matter which position I sleep in. I am a belly sleeper, but because my stomach is so big, it’s pushing my lower back into the air, causing my back to arch which gives me insanely painful muscle cramps in my sides and when I wake up I feel like someone has jabbed an ice-pick under my ribs.
I am lazy. I am always tired and therefore don’t do anything around the house. I used to keep a clean house. I used to not have clutter everywhere and I used to like to keep the bathrooms and floors clean. I used to not get out of breath running the vacuum cleaner and I used to pick things up off the floor if I stepped on or tripped over something. My children are learning horrible habits from me right now.
My marriage is in shambles. We aren’t intimate. We aren’t active. We look at each other with sadness. He looks at me and I feel like he’s given up. I look at him and I feel like we could be so much happier. It’s so simple to make him happy, but something inside me is sad and depressed. I have made him sad and depressed in some ways. I am hurt though. And I feel like I will be hurt again. I’ve gone through a lot of in my relationship with my husband. I feel like I stood by him through a lot of painful and hurtful times. I feel like I’ve lost myself. I feel like we could be so much happier if I didn’t feel so horrible about myself. I can see how it’s not so fair for me to neglect him just because I feel that way.
Work. I’m good at what I do. I’m smart. I’m clever. And I’m a leader. But people don’t see that in me. They see a smart, clever clown who is good to make people laugh and bring up an interesting point now and then. My size is distracting and unprofessional. Many underestimate the strengths of fat people. I do, and I’m fat.
Self Image. I feel like I would be beautiful if I didn’t have so much weight hiding me. I am pretty and funny and attractive and popular. I am not able to be the person I know I am.
These are facts that I have lived with for a very long time. These things depress me, but they don’t make me hate myself. I love myself. I love myself enough to know that my appearance is going to change and that the people around me are going to change the way they look at me. I am so looking forward to when that happens. But when it does, I’m also going to remember that I’m just me. I’m the same me that was here before and I’ll be the same me that was here afterwards. I have habits that need to change, and this surgery isn’t going to change them for me. I have a mind that needs to be trained, and this surgery is going to help me with that. As I shrink, I will become more and more motivated to take advantage of my lost size. Working out, playing with my children, being active and intimate with my husband. All these things are important to me. All of these things are the reason I’m about to go through this adventure with my body. Through the good times and bad, I will remain focused on the new things that I am able to do, and let go of the things that no longer support a healthier me.
I want to call the doctor so badly right now. I think they’d yell at me though.